Eyes lit on sharp threats from dark lips
The lights press the soft skin to rough hands
alright so i’m not gonna spend too much time on the song itself, because i think that its greatest quality is the fact that it took an otherwise not great song (don’t crucify me) from HEALTH and remixed it into something catchy and palatable for those into electronic music. the song is about adult fun, and i don’t feel like analyzing much about the instrumental composition beyond those lyrics. however, the reason i’m bringing in this diary-esque writing into an article about this song is because i think that this song sort of helped me reflect about how my sexuality has changed over the years.
i don’t mean to just write about my sense of attraction for the sake of it, since normally i feel like it’s something that i’d just keep to myself. however, given the fact that i am majoring in a natural science and that there’s genuinely not that many scientific studies on transgender people, i feel the need to document how my sexuality has changed. call it a sense of responsibility or just a cheap source of feeling butterflies, but i think i’ll write about it.
context
so at the time of writing this, i’ve been on hrt for about a year and half a month. i’ve been on estrogen the whole time and progesterone for about 3 and a half months (these are estimates). i’ve always known that i had some degree of bisexuality to me, and i’d still call myself bisexual given the fact that it’s how i feel for the most part right now and it’s how i’ve identified for the majority of my life. i’d say that me being trans actually manifested itself earlier than my sexuality. if we’re speaking more concretely, i’ve subsconsiously known that i was trans since i was at least 6 and that i’m bisexual since at least 9. it’s interesting how society shaped my acceptance of these parts of my life, since i accepted that i was bisexual when i was about 14, but acceptance of my transness only came at about the age of 20.
my bisexuality, however, has remarkable changed since starting hrt. initially i’d say that i was a lot more attracted to feminine-presenting people, although the split was like an 80-20 if we want to put numbers to it. i had my fair share of experiences with both ends of the gender spectrum, with an experience split of about 50-50. that being said, since starting progesterone specifically, i’d say that my attraction has gravitated a lot more to masculine presenting people (probably even more than i had previously liked girls if i’m being honest, i’d say like a 10-90). whereas i used to prefer the stereotypical softness, presentation, and charm of feminine-presenting peeps, it’s almost as if my sexuality did a total 180. i actually used to dislike a lot of the manly qualities of men, and i’d specifically prefer to be with feminine-presenting people of any gender. however, as of now it’s actually like the complete opposite. don’t get me wrong, i think that i definitely have it in me to experience attraction to feminine presentation, but it’s simply a much weaker pull than before. it’s kind of like i see women and other peeps as competition now, which is kind of insane to say outloud. whenever i look at a pretty girl, i used to think “omg i want to be with her” but now i just think “omg i want to be her.”
i would chalk this phenomenon to be due to a couple of reasons, and i want to preface this by saying that i think that this only applies to me specifically and that i’m not speaking about anyone else or even generalizing this to trans women in general. for one, i think that a part of it comes from genetics. i think that bisexuality runs in my family, and i even suspect that some of my relatives who claim to be straight are actually probably some degree of bisexual themselves. that being said, these people tend to be so attracted to men that it seems to supersede any acknowledgment of their bisexuality. so what i mean to say is that girls in my family like men a lot, and so now that i have the right hormones acting inside me to dictate attraction it’s possible that i activated this trait. the second reason could be to increase my sexual dimorphism in a relationship. this was something that was actually proposed by my friend who read a book, but in my case i’ve taken to mean that my increased attraction to men could come due to my desire to take the feminine role in a relationship. this is kind of interesting because i’ve had same “gender” relationships before and after my transition, and in both cases they have generated some degree of unsatisfaction for one reason or another. in particular, now that i’m a year into my transition, i have somewhat developed a degree of bottom dysphoria. i wouldn’t say it’s extremely bad or anything, certainly not to the point where i’d want to surgically alter my genitals. that being said, i certainly prefer not to use it during sex, probably because it reminds me of taking the male role in a relationship. the gender identity of my partner doesn’t even matter either, i simply prefer to not use them. when it comes to sexual dimorphism proper, appreciating masculine-associated traits like muscles, boy smell, body hair, aggression, shape, and rougher skin accomplishes two things in particular: (1) it makes me really appreciate how much my own body has changed and (2) it turns me into an absolute s-
whoa whoa whoa so what does this even have to do with the song
i guess what the song means to me has changed along with my attraction. whereas before i liked to imagine myself being the rough hands, i now drool at the thought of being the one with soft skin; my eyes also light up to sharp threats. so my connection to the song is not much deeper than that, but i just found it interesting that my brain was able to connect my enjoyment and interpretation of a song to my evolving attraction to other people.
Last modified on 2026-09-21