this better be a happy blogpost

i know that i often use/abuse/misuse/etc this blog for the sake of writing sappy stuff that comes up when i go into those like deep bouts of reflection and stuff, but i think that right now i’m actually feeling quite happy with how my early fall has been going. it’s almost surprising to me in a way, because one of the things that i remember hearing from an upperclassman when i was a first year student was that it doesn’t get any easier but you get stronger. i obviously took that statement at surface level to be referring to academics, but i think that it’s a generally true statement about the kind of emotional maturity that you develop as life goes on. in many ways, it feels like i’ve finally comfortably established my social and academic life without disrupting each other, and i think i have my personal growth to credit for that. then again, the same logic could probably also apply to the reverse situation; my personal growth led me to establish a more comfortable social and academic life.

in general, i’ve always been a somewhat emotional person. some people in my life have attributed my resulting…character to be mean that i have a big heart. others have interpreted it as me being a gigantic crybaby. the truth is probably somewhere in the middle, but there’s definitely been a big shift in how much more emotionally grounded i am because of things like therapy, journaling (i like telling people that i journal until have to explain to them that i do it in a blog and not by paper/pen, which always leads to me sounding like a chud), and just having fun times with friends.

so i guess that’s what i briefly wanted to describe in this entry. i just want to learn to be more appreciative of the things around my life, and in doing so i really hope that i recognize that not everything is gonna be perfect. there are gonna be good and bad times, which is something that i honestly struggle to come to terms with since i’m so scared of experiencing that full breadth of emotions. i don’t mean to be dramatic because if we’re being realistic, then my day-to-day life is fine no matter where i am within the normal human variation of emotion, but it’s still something that’s better to just not think about too much (like money…the more you think about what it is and how it works, the less it makes sense). anyway, time to list the things i’m grateful for in the early fall.

things that santi is grateful for in the early fall 2026

loving myself: i genuinely feel like this is the biggest change. i’ve really started to appreciate myself for who i am, and i think it’s helped me grow and change my life the most.
clothing: i got most used to dressing in girl clothes while being around my hometown, and honestly it was really nervewracking because i guess it’s the first time i’ve visibly come out of my shell in such a visual way like that. doing it in college has felt really similar because it’s like having a completely new audience that already knew who i was before. so in that sense, i’m grateful that i’ve been doing it despite the tiny bit of anxiety it causes, because it ultimately makes me happy to stop dressing like a m*n.
playing card games: very frequent source of laughter in my friend group. we’ve learned two new card games this year, being cambio and ERS. i’m not that great at both, but we always have a good laugh playing them.
birthday party: two of my friends had a birthday party, and it was a fun time to hang out with them during it and also to have eaten dinner with them beforehand. it was great getting to see everyone return from studying abroad, and i guess my brain just loves the cohesion of our group when we get together after a really busy week.
my new room: it’s a pretty big room for a single room at my college, and it’s been so nice to have a good amount of space for all my things. it’s really let me make this place a safe space where i can rest comfortably and work in my desk, as well as keeping comfort snacks and drinks.
hair products: i recently decided to splurge just a little bit on getting new hair products for my curly hair, and it’s honestly been a fun time. i’ve been experimenting with different things to see which combination is right for me, but if one thing’s for sure it’s that my hair feels really, really healthy now. it’s nice for me to be more content with my hair now, especially because it’s grown considerably since i started growing it out about a year and a half ago.
having a balanced schedule: i’m doing a thesis at my school, and so for once i had the genius idea of intentionally picking relatively easier classes in the semester to balance things out. believe it or not, it works.
eating well: i don’t think i do a fantastic job at this in general, but i’ve definitely been making a better effort to eat more consistently. it’s also led me to switch up my meal plan a little bit, which has given me some money to eat out during the week…and you best believe i’ve been eating sooo good, like idk good food is genuinely the only thing that makes money worth spending.
my face: is it finally changing? are the brainworms dying down? probably a combination of both, but we all know that voice training is the real bottleneck in a transition. either way, still grateful that i don’t hate looking at the mirror anymore. i recently had some casual photos taken of me while at the birthday, and honestly i’m kinda pleased that i didn’t get upset when i saw them.

i genuinely wonder how many people even read this…but if nothing else, i’m just content to sort of verbalize my thoughts and put them out there. who knows how far they can go?

Last modified on 2026-09-22