hello dear blog, it’s been about a month and i feel like i’ve been through a lot. it should be exciting to catch everyone up on the tea considering just how many things i’ve experienced in just the span of the one month i haven’t written for.

a boy

oh that’s right. i normally don’t write about my love life, but considering that i still want to dissect my feelings, i thought that it would be best to just get this discussion over with so that i can continue moving on with my life while being as reflective as possible. i met this boy “at the library,” and we did so much together in the span of about a month. i told him pretty immediately that i would head back to college come about early september, and considering that he lives in florida we decided to simply make the most out of the remaining summer vacation that i had.

we walked around the park. he bought me flowers. we went grocery shopping. we went to the movies. we hung out at his house. we hung out at the car. we got mcdonald’s, dominos, burger king’s dbz meal. he cooked for me, not super well, but for me nonetheless. he fed me. i fed him. we played wii together. we did you know what, a lot.

i don’t know what made me like him so much, but if one thing is for certain it’s that i couldn’t bring myself to love him (what an interesting and engaging hook to this paragraph). i think it’s the fact that he genuinely made me feel safe despite the fact that he would have the occasional emotional outburst that made me question his maturity. it’s the fact that our chemistry made me enjoy seeing him enjoy himself, and i fed from his joy vicariously because he didn’t make me enjoy myself (yes this is euphemistic). it’s the fact that he made me feel like a girl when my mind would lie to me, despite the fact that his slender appearance didn’t exactly create a super sexually dimorphic contrast in our silhouettes. and when we did communicate, i was the happiest girl ever to get to hear him, despite the fact that he would seldom communicate and only spit out sweet nothings when he did choose to give me attention. i could tell that he was giving it his absolute best, but we were just too different in our expectations to feasibly last for a while.

despite the fact that i didn’t love him, it genuinely felt like i did for a second. we were in a parking lot inside my car watching some shows on my laptop, and as i was dozing off just looking up at the sky that followed a floridian sunset, i guess i just felt this intense rush of emotion fill in me. i was looking at the branch of a tree sticking out into the grey sky, i think it was maybe a palm tree but to be honest i don’t know enough to be able to tell for sure. what i did know was that i had this sort of flash of memories just rush into my mind. i was thinking about all the summers that i spent alone in my hometown. all these years i’ve been in the same town, living the same summers, doing the same nothing and loneliness that would just make my mind go into very dark places. it felt like a never ending cycle that just filled me with sadness. part of the reason that i think i’m so inclined into academics is because i would always hate how lonely my summers were, how miserable the monotonous suburban life had made me since i never saw anyone my age unless i was at school. and every summer i fell into the same cycle of wanting to go back into school because then at least i would have some hope of living a social life, be it my own, be it through people-watching. for once, though, i had spent a decent chunk of my summer next to someone else, and for once i felt not alone. i don’t think i loved him, but i think i loved what he represented…maybe like a deviation from that cycle that i kept experiencing for literal years? whatever the case, “i love you too” slipped out of my lips, and in the moment it felt just so very real despite the fact that i would later realize it wasn’t.

that’s something that he said that sort of stuck with me. he told me that i worry too much about future hypotheticals that haven’t even happened yet, and that i made the decision to break up with him based on nothing but my prediction on how this was going to end. i live in the future. the logic that i gave my therapist when talking about this matter was that i already knew that this wasn’t going to work out and that i could sort of predict the future. i wanted to just rip the stitch off early on so that it wouldn’t hurt me later, when i know logically that no relationship will ever be perfect. there’s no such thing as a perfect person out there for me, but rather the perfect opportunity to grow alongside someone so that we can make things work despite our differences. in that sense, i don’t know if it’s that i didn’t love this man or if it’s the fact that i couldn’t bring myself to love him because i didn’t want to even take the gamble of something that i knew would be uncertain, despite the fact that nothing about a relationship is ever going to be certain enough for me.

so in the end, he told me that he couldn’t bring himself to stop loving me. he didn’t want to block me either, but he told me to just leave him be so that he could move on. i’m getting teary-eyed writing this if i’m being honest, because i feel like a bitch for having thrown away something so pure and beautiful away. i lost someone that day because i couldn’t let myself love.

snap out of it you hopeless romantic

realistically, it’s probably not that deep. the guy genuinely did try his best, but a lot of the stuff that he did was simply not making me be very into him. i guess what i should conclude from this brief relationship is that i need to just stay grounded to the present. it’s not very healthy for me to spiral down into the future and always see every single relationship as an avenue for a lifelong bond. he was also just not very much my type in too many ways that i frankly don’t feel like explaining after going through that cathartic writing experience.

still, i need to be kinder to myself. i need to let myself love and i need to let go off the future. like, comment, and subscribe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last modified on 2026-09-19